So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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