there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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