i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
