Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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