I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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