I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
