I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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