I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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