We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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