The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
