Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
