just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
