Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
barbara walters just said penis...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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