my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
