Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
