god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
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Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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