I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
