her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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