david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
