so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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