yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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