So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
