Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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