when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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