Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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