just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
