Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
