do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
