oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
