i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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