i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
