i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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