So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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