We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
