I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
