I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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