I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.