Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
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it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.