I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
