Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
