You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
