I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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