I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
