My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
