party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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