im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
