just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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