she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
