Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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