I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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