The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
