Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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