if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
