the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
