Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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